TVF: Bowling Bombs
by Lady Purl
Summary: The vampire files vampires go bowwwling!  loads of fun inside  thankyou to roxypony for allowing me to write this :   love M  xxx
1. Darren's awesome idea

**Of all things abominative**

On a certain _boring _Saturday night a sudden herd of vampires surged into the TV room, laughing shouting, and howling, generally making the average vampire cacophony. Darren and Harkat had been peacefully watching _The_ _Simpsons_ when they had come crashing in.

In surprise Darren squawked like a bird then burned red with embarrassment. Harkat fell off his seat on the armrest in giggles then lunged onto a pair of fighting vampires.

'I will yank your hair out and sacrifice it to the gods,' he howled preparing to dig his little claws into the head of a wild vampire, but then looked down and said 'oh'.

He stared comically at the bald tattooed prince who was glaring up at him with a terrifying stare.

Darren, looking annoyed, yelled 'shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!' and ran around the room waving his arms about like a maniac.

Soon, a moment of hushed silent occurred, and 7 pairs of eyes landed on Darren.

Darren, taking his opportunity, screamed 'Harkat- get off Arrow, Mika STOP punching Kurda, Kurda seriously quit wailing like a baby or I'll skin you alive, Mr. Crepsley you are NOT spider man so get OFF the ceiling, and Seba if you dare to say the 'A' word again I will personally fling you into the hall of death myself. NOW LEAVE ME IN SOME FRICKIN PEACE!' Darren, red faced, stomped out off the room leaving behind a confused silence.

Then about 5 seconds after he had gone, the vampires began their screaming and fighting again, while further up in the mountain, Darren lay in his hammock nursing a headache. Damn those stupid vampires, he thought. _They're so loud and boisterous I can't even hear my own thoughts._

The vampires had been locked in the mountain for a few years now, and they were getting as rusty and as mad as ever. Oh, the things that Darren would give to get them out... If only...

Then suddenly as quick as the vampires had come crashing in on his TV time, a little light bulb flashed in his head. He sprung up on his hammock and yelled excitedly 'I GOT AN IDEAAAA'. And no he didn't even think of all the terrible things that had happened when he often got an 'idea'. With great elation Darren jumped off his hammock and skipped down the tunnels, through noisy, sweaty chambers and rushed into the TV room. He stopped suddenly to find all the vampires doing what they were before, only this time Mr. Crepsley seemed to be stuck on the ceiling and was _crying_, Kurda was in the middle of the floor weeping into the dirty ground with his bum sticking up in the air, Mika and Arrow were _spanking_ him, and Seba was head butting every 'abominable' thing he could find in the room. Poor little Harkat was cowering in the corner bawling his eyes out.

Darren's heart fell to the floor when he saw his best friend huddled up like that. Suddenly he felt angry all over again, but this time all he wanted to do was cry. Now he was sure his plan would never work. The mountain was over run by _idiots_.

Sighing dejectedly he stepped over to where Harkat lay and picked him and set him on his feet. He slipped Harkat a piece of candy and Harkat stopped crying and scoffed down the sweet hungrily. Meanwhile…

'WILL YOU GUYS SHUT THE FUDGESICLES UP?'

There was an immediate silence when all eyes snapped to Darren.

Then…

'Daaarreeennnn, they're bullying me!'

'What bit his butt?'

'Oh hello Darren, could you please help your mentor off the ceiling please?'

'Dude where's my sandwich?'

'Raaaawwwwrrrr' (actually that was Mika giving Kurda a dead leg).

'Shush, hush, be quiet, psstttt, SHUT YOUR GOBS!' Darren could hardly keep himself calm. 'I didn't come here to satisfy myself from watching you lot act like 10 year olds, I came here to announce something…'

Mika and Arrow dropped Kurda who was sniffling pitifully, and Larten fell off the ceiling with a loud thump. Harkat had finished his candy and was looking dolefully at Darren, while Seba and Paris grumbled to each other about 'announcements'.

Darren grinned- he was pleased that he at last had got their full attention.

'So,' he said. 'I've been thinking that we're kind of getting a little restless here, so I thought I'd treat you all to a small outing…'

Almost everyone groaned.

'Not _another_ vacation!' Mr. Crepsley moaned grumpily while the others agreed with him by nodding their heads like bobbins. Kurda just whimpered and withered on the floor.

Darren sighed –'just hear me out please!' he said. 'It's not going to be a long vacation type thing, we're going bowling!' Darren snapped his hands in anticipation and grinned outwardly at the confused faces around him.

'Bowling?' Arrow asked, scratching his bald head.

'Is that like, like… making bowls?' Kurda said blankly. If that was the case then he for sure wasn't going with them! Not in a million years would he dream of getting bits of clay stuck under his perfectly polished nails.

Then…

'Making bowls?' Seba cried ludicrously. He doubled over with laughter and slapped his thigh. 'I will not carry out such an abominate act! Never!'

Then Mr. Crepsley began laughing too.

'Bowling is for pansies,' he cried with tears streaming down his cheeks. 'What do we need bowls for? We are creatures of the night! Rawwr!' He imitated something of a fierce creature, but pretty much ended up looking like a pathetic excuse of a vampire. The rest of the vampire gang began to laugh as they thought of the hilariousness of it- even Harkat was laughing now.

Darren felt appalled. They were laughing at one of his most favourite game, and he hadn't experienced anything human in AGES. His face betrayed his feelings and slowly the vampires deceased their laughter.

'What is wrong Darren?' Mr. Crepsley asked. 'Come on boy, it does not sound stupid to you?'

'Bowling. Is. Not. Making. Bowls!' Darren growled. Flames of anger and despair exploded in his head as he tried to keep him self from killing everyone in the room.

Then slowly, and almost painfully, Darren explained the concept, the 'oh so wonderful' concept of bowling. As Darren carefully pronounced the words out, the facial expressions of everyone changed. The Mika and Arrow heard about throwing balls they whooped and high fived, when Mr. Crepsley and Seba realized the concept of the game they grinned evilly at each other, and when Kurda found that his carefully manicured nails would have to be shoved into three holes he squeaked and half fainted.

Harkat simply just said 'yay!'.

**Hi guys, my name is Lina and I've been allowed to write a TVF of my own. I really hope you like my efforts of writing one. Please review **

**Love M**

**Xxx**

**Thankyou to roxypony for writing the other TVFs**

**xxx**


	2. We love things to carry

**(2)**

**Disclaimer:**

**TVF idea belongs to roxypony**

**Darren shan saga belongs to Darren shan…**

The next day…

Darren woke up with a big yawn, checked the time then tried to think why he was awake at 5.30 in the morning. Make cookies? Make sure Harkat went to the toilet before he wet his hammock again? Have coffee? To check for burglars? None of them seemed familiar.

Then suddenly he heard a large rumble and roar. The sound faded away after while and Darren was left in the middle of his cloud of sleepy confusion.

'Woooohhhoooooo!' A gruff voice roared excitedly. This came accompanied by a shrill scream and a VERY heavy thump.

Hurriedly, Darren shoved on some clothes then ran down the tunnels closer to where the shouts/screams/thumps were coming from.

He burst into the mountain's personal TV room and was amazed to see Mika balancing a black bowling ball with _studs_ on top of it, on his head, and Arrow cheering him one. They were already dressed in black vests and ripped black jeans.

'Erruughghhg, Daaareeennn,' something weird whimpered.

Darren spun round to see Kurda wedged in the corner hanging from the wall by his undies. He was still wearing his SpongeBob squarepants jammy jams.

'Whhhaaaa?' Darren gasped.

',andnowyoucame-oh !' Kurda screamed this all in one breath, one same tone, and a completely straight face.

'I bet you can't do that, dude,' Arrow said.

'Like I'd want to!' Mika retorted.

'Oh hey Darren! You're finally up,' Arrow grinned. Mika and Arrow stood in front of Darren like gingerbread men.

'So?' Mika said his face darkenening.

'So?' Darren croaked.

'when are we going bowling? DUH!' Mika and Arrow rolled their eyes.

'You roll your eyes so gay!' Kurda quipped. 'you do it like this'.

'Mika, I think Imma go stuff my fist in his mouth,'

'Good idea bro.'

'Wait!' Darren hollered. 'of all vacations we've been on you choose this trip to get up early? Really, Mika, Really?'

Mika and Arrow stared at him blankly then like zombies said 'yeah!'

Darren groaned inwardly then helped Kurda off the wall.

'I might as well get ready now,' he grumbled.

3 hours later…

Everyone was dressed and 'curled' as Kurda called it. His latest fashion interest was curling his hair.

'I want to look like Jasper Cullen,' he once said, his high pitched voice killing everyone's ear drums.

'And I wanna shove this grocery bag over your head!'

'Anger management, Mika!' Paris had scolded.

Right now the 6 vampires, half vampire, and little person were sat round the kitchen breakfast table and were waiting for Darren's orders. Darren, after stuck in the mountain for a few years now, had forgotten how he controlled his crazy children.

'um, well, ok, err… Crepsley, no er Seba' he stuttered. His looked around the pale faces that were staring at him.

'MOOOM!' Kurda wailed. 'I can't find my curlers! Sob sob'

'Who is mom?' Arrow scratched his head.

Darren stared red faced into his coffee.

'Me,' he said simply.

'Oh hey mom!'

'I have a mom?'

'Mom you are an abomination!'

'Mom? He is my assistant for gods sake!'

'Mom is loving word, so use it nicely siblings!' That was Paris scolding everyone as usual.

'Yeah, he is like, SOO mom material.' Kurda said rolling his wide blue eyes.

'I love… my mom' Harkat said. Darren gave him a hug.

'I love you too, Harkat!' Darren sniffed.

Immediately Mr Crepsley smacked the back of his head.

'no assistant of mine is crying over a mother/child relationship,' he said tightly.

Darren simply glowered at him.

'Okay, vamps! Let's just pile into our Essie okay?' Darren said suddenly taking control again.

A chorus of 'finally's and 'about time's echoed in Darren's head.

The vampires all rushed out of the mountain excitedly/grumply/curldly and finally Darren locked up and opened the Essie.

'I am … Not … driving … today!' Harkat said.

Darren sighed.

'Okay, I'll just do it.'

'NOOOOO' Mr Creplsey roared. Everyone again nodded their heads like bobbins. It's like one says something the others nod.

'Thanks Mr Crepsley, I've got some real confidence now!'

'I call… shotgun!' Harkat said.

'What an abomination!' Seba said. 'you are the smallest. Arrow, boot him into the boot.'

'Okay,' Arrow dragged Harkat into the boot.

'Now, because of my fabulous idea, _I _call shotgun!' Seba grinned proudly and slipped into the front passenger seat.

Mr Crepsley muttered 'Cur!'

'I heard that!' Seba roared.

'Eek!' Mr Crepsley squeaked.

Everyone piled into the back. It was a little less squashed but Kurda somehow managed to get in between Mika and Arrow.

'What are you doing there, air head?' Mika growled.

'Hi bestie!' Kurda squealed.

'Hey Arrow, look at ma shirt!'

Arrow looked- it said 'I'm with stupid.'

Arrow roared with laughter.

'That's more epic than mine.'

Mika and Kurda looked at Arrow's shirt. It said 'I hate vampaneze'.

Mika and Arrow high fived.

Meanwhile the commotion in the front went like this:

Darren: Something smells weird

Seba: Your arm pits?

Darren: no, I meant metaphorically… and hey! My arm pits smells nice.

Darren lifts his arms just to double check.

'Eek, I forgot the deodorant!' he turned slightly purple.

'In my day we did not have deodorant, we used bear's urine to make us smell nice.'

Darren stared at Seba comically.

'okaaaayyyyyyy.' When he thought Seba wasn't looking his made the wacko sign.

'I saw that1' Seba glared.

'Eep!'

Darren then turned.

'Something smells wrong!' he said.

'When the friggen hell are we leaving?' Mika said exasperated.

'not after I solve this…' Darren mused.

Everyone groaned.

'I'm getting sweat on my new sweat suit!' Kurda wailed.

'Well dude you're wearing a sweat suit, duh!'

'I thought you said it looked pretty?'

Arrow gauged Kurda's eye.

'IEEEEEE'

'Stop it!' Darren snapped.

'Look we shall tell you!' Mr Crepsley said desperate to just get out.

'We've all brought something along with us. Usually when we go on trips we take suitcases but this time we decided to take something small along with us,' this was Paris as usually trying to act mature.

'It was my idea,' Kurda said miraculously recovered from Arrow's finger.

'Stay down blondie, Stay down!'

'why should I, huh? Huh? Huh?'

'Otherwise I'll make you throw the black ball instead of the pink one.'

'EWWW!' Kurda ducked under the seats.

'Show me what you got!' Darren said frowning.

Paris screamed with excitement and brought out his brand new high def camcorder. 'Taaahhhdaaa!' he screamed. Darren rolled his eyes. Mika retrieved the black studded ball out under his T-shirt. 'Thank god you wre not really pregnant Mika!' came a relieved muffled voice from under the seat. Mika kicked Kurda. 'Yikes!' Kurda squealed. Next Arrow pulled his shirt- 'I'm wearing it,' he said and high fived Mika, yet again. Mr Crepley produced a red bowler hat from under his bottom. 'I thought should bring something related to bowling,' he said with a straight face. Darren grinned and gave a thumbs up. From under the seat Kurda popped his head out and showed his curlers. 'Pink and cute like meeeeeeee!' Darren smiled weakly then turned to Seba.

'What did you bring?' he asked.

Seba tightly crossed his arms and grumbled 'Nothing. I don't believe in such abominations!'

'So Harkat, Seba and I are the only ones who didn't bring anything?'

'Seba doesn't count, Harkat has taken his whole crate of coins with him, and so yeah, you loser you didn't.'

'SO that's why Harkat didn't want to drive,' Darren said then turned back to the wheel feeling glum and already tired…


	3. The Weasel

(3)

"Jingle bells, jingles bells, jingle allll the way!" Kurda sang, now sitting on Mika's lap who was dozing. If he woke up, Darren was sure that he'd have a seizure.

"Kurda!" Darren hissed. He reached back and slapped Kurda's thigh.

"Pow!" Kurda cried. "Someone is lusty."

"Please get off Mika before he murders you!"

"Like no way! It's like SO comfy here."

"You'd better hope he did not hear that."

"Whatever Darren. He's ma best mate, so turn your jealous face back to the road." Kurda bitched.

Darren growled.

Everyone, except himself & Kurda, were asleep. Seba, beside him was curled up into a fuzzy red ball, and in the back Mika was leaning his head back at a frightening angle, and Arrow had his legs sprawled out over Mr. Crepsley who was dozing upright like a pencil. Paris had his face planted in his camcorder. Kurda continued to sing and jump happily on Mika's lap.

"That looks SO wrong," Darren muttered to himself.

"Can't we go faster?" Kurda quipped between his singing.

"Ew" Darren shuddered.

Darren was in fact not a registered driver, and had no clue how to drive, and thus he was driving mega slow. In the snail like drawl, Darren's crew had fallen fast asleep. Kurda however seemed adamant to sing Christmas songs even though Christmas had past since 5 months. He seemed extra chirpy today.

"Where are we going?" Kurda suddenly asked for the 8th time.

"Bowling." Darren answered tiredly for the 8th time.

"Sweet Candy, heyyy sweeeet candy!" Kurda brawled loudly.

Suddenly the dark shape under him stirred.

"Rise and shiney, cutey mikey!" Kurda squealed and pinched Mika's cheeks.

Mika snapped his super sexy eyes open.

When he saw Kurda straddling his hips…

"FUCK, DARREN! GET THIS WEASEL OFF!"

Darren screeched to a halt in the middle of the road. Cars behind him tooted angrily then swerved round him. He saw people shaking their fists at him as they drove by. Throwing himself backwards in a Karate move, Darren grabbed Kurda's blonde curls and dragged him to the floor of the Essie.

"I. Am. Now. Scarred. For. Fucking. Life!" Mika growled.

Darren tried to calm Mika down, but now everyone was awake.

"I'm hungry," Harkat bellowed from the boot.

"Where is this abominative car taking us?"

"I peed my pants. I peed my pants. Daaareeeeeen!"

"ARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH, my life is OVERRRR. Lil miss empty head peed on me!"

"Dude, that is so twisted."

"Gay sex is an abomination"

"Did you use any lubricant?"

"Crepsley!" Everyone roared, shocked at his words.

"I'm feeling hot, hot, hot down there!" Kurda sang cupping his wet pants.

Arrow unrolled the windows and retched.

"Darren, let's just fuck the hell out of here. Please!"

"okay, okay," Darren gasped, appalled at the commotion. Control. Confidence. Charisma.

Darren restarted the car and swerved into the car park of a mega store. Darren mildly avoided crashing into the shop sign and drove round and round the parking lot.

"I'm dizzy" Mika moaned. Kurda tried to climb back onto Mika's lap but Mika slapped him away.

"Darren, I order you to park!" Mr. Crepsley ordered.

"There are now only four more places to park, and you are officially driving in the wrong direction," Paris said looking on his GPS.

"I can't help it!" Darren shrieked. "You're all making me crazy."

"What the hell?" Arrow roared.

He opened the door of the Essie and jumped out while it was still moving. Mika followed closely and slammed the door shut behind him. Darren saw them rolling on the ground in his wing mirror.

"Roly polies" Kurda said happily as if everything was okay.

Now that there was more space in the Essie, Larten shoved up Kurda against the door so his face was now squashed against the window.

'I think we should park here,' Mr. Crepsley announced.

'We can't park in the middle of the road.' Darren sighed.

'What an abominative rule!' Seba growled.

'Help!' Kurda said his voice muffled against the window.

'I think you should let him go,' Paris said to Mr. Crepsley who gave him a cold stare.

'Let who go?' Mr. Crepsley inquired innocently.

Seba chuckled.

'Exactly.' He grinned.

'Poor blonde,' Paris said sadly shaking his head then stuck his head back into his camcorder…

'What happens if I press this?' Seba asked suddenly pointing to the button by the side of the steering wheel.

'I… can't remember,' Darren said honestly, going down a lane for the fifth time. 'Perhaps you shouldn't… Never mind.'

Darren couldn't finish what he was originally going to say because Seba decided to press the button anyway out of childish curiosity.

_Boiiiing._

'Oh my god!' Darren roared and turned his head around to see the boot door snap open which in turn sent poor Harkat flying onto the road. Darren screeched to a halt then tore out of the car. Along came with him was an excited Seba who felt proud that he had braved pressing the 'interesting' button, and Mr. Crepsley who thought Darren had finally parked, and Kurda who had been pushed out and stamped upon by Mr. Crepsley, and then Paris who was trying to understand why his camcorder wouldn't work and needed to ask Darren.

'Are you okay?' Darren gasped as he ran over to Harkat.

Harkat sat upright on the ground, pulled down his mask and then grinned.

'That…was…AWESOME!' he cried.

'Let us do it again!' Seba cheered.

'No!' Darren said firmly. 'Everyone get into the store. We need to find Mika and Arrow.'

'I have to find something anyway.' Mr. Crepsley mumbled and walked off.

Seba picked up Harkat and followed Mr. Crepsley who was already disappearing through the sliding doors.

Paris mumbled as he followed with baby steps, trying to put the damn camcorder on.

'My pants are dripping,' Kurda said gaping at the puddle between his legs.

'Get away from here!' Darren growled.

_Meanwhile…_

'Dude this totally rocks!' Mika exclaimed holding up a 'fuck you' t-shirt.

'Into the cart,' Arrow grinned.

Mika picked up 10 large sizes of the shirts and dumped them into the shopping trolley that Arrow was pushing.

After having fun with having a go to push each other in the trolley, they had decided to look for cool things to buy. In the past 10 minutes they had already acquired these objects: 2 pairs of deadly looking shades, black jeans with studs on the bottom, a massive supply of gummy bears, fake vampire teeth, condoms (they thought they were water bombs), a selection of anti-Vampaneze knives, ten lighters, bug spray (to annoy Kurda with), a beautiful array of water guns, a crate of raw mince, some compost (for god knows what), two skull rings, a box of eyeliner, some bottles with pills in them, a various range of vampire books (Mika and Arrow wanted to know if either were mentioned in them), a delicious, but messy, looking chocolate cake, large cookies, a mount of beer and vodka, and a dozen ginger bread men…

Buddies for life eh?

**Sooorrry for short chapter and also for late update… been a liil busy actually…**

**Hope you can review tho ^-^**

**Take care **

**Love KL**

**xxx**


	4. Mayhem with Kurda and Larten

(4) **Mayhem with Kurda & Larten**

Larten looked right, left and back. He crouched down low. His red cloak was splayed out behind him like a river. Slowly he trotted forwards, and then began hopping like a kangaroo.

Hop… hop… hop…

He stalled. A loud whiney sound entered his ears.

'Whaat? There are no barbies left?' It was Kurda. Larten sighed and rolled his eyes. He jumped into a rack of dresses and hid there as he heard Kurda and a shop floor worker approaching.

'I mean, how can be they so selfish?' Kurda was saying. His blonde curls were dishevelled and fell over his eyes. 'You know, I've had a crush on her since AGES. And now they've taken her away from me. WHAT BITCHES!' Kurda screamed this out loud and stamped his feet. The worker next to him looked embarrassed and tried to run away. Larten smiled slyly… so Kurda was in love with a piece of plastic. Ha Ha.

Kurda was still in a hump as he walked up and down the clothing isle.

'Barbie…;' he whined. 'I love you.'

Right then the shop worker came up behind him.

'Sir. There might be some in stock. Let me go check.' He looked glad to be away from Kurda. Kurda glared pink lasers into his back. His lips trembled dangerously.

Larten wiggled in his tight hiding spot. He couldn't be caught in the ladies section. It would be too embarrassing.

Kurda mooched for a while then stopped in his tracks.

'IEE!' he shrieked. Larten flinched and pulled at his ears. From a hole he saw Kurda jumping up and down in excitement.

'OMG! A red carpet! This is my ultimate dream!' Kurda giggled.

Larten gasped as Kurda continued to jump up and down. He then saw something horrifying. Kurda was undressing himself and he didn't have enough space to look away! ARGH!

Sure enough Kurda ripped open his shirt and slipped off his ultra tight jeans. And then even more to Larten's horror Kurda even took off his underpants. Larten almost shrieked aloud and proceeded to gauge his eyes out.

Larten whimpered silently. This was worst than a thousand stakes in his back! Kurda continued to wiggle his hips and Larten felt almost sick watching his _thing_ dangling about.

EW. EW…. EWWW!

Larten looked down. He realised what 'the red carpet' was. It was in fact his long cloak that he had left outside.

'Charna's tits!' He growled.

And then Kurda stood at the end of the 'red carpet'. He posed with one arm on his hip and the other arm flat on his butt cheek.

'Ladies and Gentlemen!' he bellowed. 'Give a big round of applause to the oh so sexy….. KURDA SMAHLT!' Larten literally wanted the ground to swallow him. No in fact he wanted to impale himself on the stakes in the hall of death.

Kurda stepped one foot on the red cloak as he applauded himself. Larten whimpered again.

'Even in death may I be triumphant!' he whispered and faced Kurda as brave as he could. Kurda was approaching slowly like a cat. He swayed his hips left and right. Left and right… Left. AND Right. He was getting closer… His dangly manhood tool swayed LEFT and fucking RIGHT! Larten looked frantically anywhere but there. But Kurda's naked body was getting closer and closer…

Finally Kurda approached to the rack. He was waving like an idiot to an imaginary audience of women's clothes.

'Thank you,' he gushed. 'Oh it is SUCH a pleasure to be here darlings. Mwah. Mwah!' he giggle and ruffle his hair.

The THING was in Larten's face. Larten couldn't take it any more. Oh it was futile!

'' He yelped. Kurda jumped back in shock.

'What… I look bad naked?' He stuttered dumbly.

And then…

WHOOSH.

Larten appeared in front of him.

Kurda shrieked.

Larten covered his eyes and spun around in circles.

Then round the corner came Seba.

'What is that ABOMINATION hanging OFF YOU?' he roared at Kurda.

Kurda shrieked again and covered himself.

'MIKAAA Baby!' He sobbed. People were now staring.

A woman walked nearby then screamed.

She pointed at Kurda's tits then dropped her shopping and ran away.

CRASH.

Everyone looked round and saw two body shaped holes from an isle.

Mika and Arrow stood staring at Kurda's naked bottom…

'Fuck. My. Life.' Mika gasped then fainted…


End file.
